


To You, 'Tsumu

by leaves_from_the_vine



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A little bit of OsaSuna because I love them so much, Angst, Canon Universe, Crying, Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, Gen, I sobbed while writing this, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Letters, Miya Twins, Post-Canon, Sad, Sadness, The miya twins actually like each other, sad miya osamu, uh sakutatsu but barely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28606194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leaves_from_the_vine/pseuds/leaves_from_the_vine
Summary: "Saying it, writing it, letting it all out… that all makes it true ... I still don’t know why I did it. I don’t know what forced me into this desk chair or what made me keep writing, but it was all for the best."***Miya Osamu writes a letter to cope with a crippling loss.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	To You, 'Tsumu

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! If you couldn't tell from the tags and the summary, this thing is kinda a little sad. I really hope you feel as much reading it as I did writing it, because writing this was a really cathartic experience for me. Enjoy!

_ 'Tsumu _

_ I can’t say it out loud, so I’ve decided to write a _ _ bout how much I miss you. I’ll probably never have the courage to do anything with this piece of paper, but it’s the only thing I have.  _

_ But yeah, ‘Tsumu, I miss you like hell. I think I’d convinced myself I hated you, but not having you here to eat my pudding and talk my ear off is really starting to annoy me. I think this is the most annoying thing you’ve ever done, ‘Tsumu. It was really fucking low of you to leave us alone like this.  _

_ I feel stupid. I want to slap you. But I can’t. I want to hate you. But I can’t. I want to see you. I want to have those dumb races with you. I want to spike for you. I want to tell you how in love I am because nobody else in the whole world knows, and somehow you found out before I did. For some inexplicable reason, I want to hear you tell me how in love you are. And I want to tell you you’re being a dumbass, and that he loves you too.  _

_ God, ‘Tsumu, how could you do that to Sakusa? You know how when we first met him, he was all closed off and gloomy? And how you always wanted to visit him, but he wouldn’t come out of his apartment? Looking back on it, it doesn’t seem like the Kiyoomi we knew. You helped him so much ‘Tsumu. You loved him and you looked out for him and you respected him in a way he never thought he could be respected. He was so in love with you, ‘Tsumu. You were always patient with him, even though you’d come home and convince yourself he hated you. It was sickening, how in love you guys were, and the most cruel thing in this entire world is that you didn’t ever get to love him properly. I’m sure his biggest regret is that he never loved you properly either, ‘Tsumu.  _

_ I know that’s my biggest regret. It’s so stupid; all those times I beat you up because you were acting like a toddler. I’m sorry you never won, ‘Tsumu… well… I’m not that sorry. God, it’s so embarrassing how I can’t even remember the last thing I said to you. Maybe that’s why I’m writing to you now, to say all the things I couldn’t. But yeah, ‘Tsumu, my biggest regret is never loving you the way you deserved. Though I can’t even write the four words in the proper order yet, because it feels so foreign, I really do have so many endearing feelings for you and memories, too. Every time I think of where I am today, and the reason behind it, the boldest, most annoying face I see is yours - piss blond hair and all.  _

_ There were so many small things to admire about you, ‘Tsumu, things I didn’t notice would leave a gaping hole in me the moment I was bereft of them. The way your eyes would light up at an impossibly hard ball to set. I know, I know I always called it scary, and it was. You  _ _~~were~~ ~~are~~ _ _ were an absolute monster, ‘Tsumu, but  _ ~~_ you were _ ~~ _ you’re my brother nonetheless. I admire how everyone you met would always be left wanting to know you more. I want to draw people in the way you did. You were damn cool, ‘Tsumu. _

_ God, and now all that’s been torn away. I can say with ease that this is the worst thing that will probably ever happen to me, but I can’t easily say I’ve shed many tears over this. It’s really obscure, how my entire chest feels like it’s imploding, but my eyes and face have been dry for days. I want to cry over you so bad ‘Tsumu. I miss you with every bone of my body, and somehow that gets easier to write every time. Maybe by the end of this, I’ll finally be able to tell you how much you’ve always meant to me. Maybe that’s why I’m writing to you now, to find the words easier, so maybe one day I’ll be able to say out loud that my brother was my favorite person on this earth. Maybe I’m writing this to coax the tears out, or to find justification as to why I can’t. Maybe I’m writing this to deflect the feeling that you’re really gone. Maybe hoping that you’ll read this and come home and kick me and call me stupid is what’s holding the tears back. But none of that explains the pain in my chest, or the way my heartbeat seems to be duller than before, or the amount of energy it takes to open my eyes in the morning, knowing that you won’t be in the process of burning the kitchen down.  _

_ I miss you so damn much, you rat. And now that it’s easy for me to write, it’s all I can think to say. I hate that you left me all alone. I hate that you didn’t get to live out your passion. I hate that Bokuto’s going to live for 130 years, and you couldn’t make it past 25. I hate that I won’t ever see you again. I hate that I still can’t put into the proper four words how important you are to me. I hate that I just realized why I can’t write it, or say it out loud. I hate that the same reason I can’t write it is the reason I can’t cry. _

_ Saying it, writing it, letting it all out… that all makes it true, Atsumu. That all means I won’t ever wake up to your humming in the kitchen again. That all means I can’t call you a dumbass whenever you make a small mistake ever again. That all means I’m the only Miya left. That all means it’s no longer “Atsumu and Osamu Miya” or simply “The Miya twins.” It’s just me. All alone. I’m not ready for that, ‘Tsumu.  _

_ Well… I wasn’t when I started writing this. _

_ I still don’t know why I did it. I don’t know what forced me into this desk chair or what made me keep writing, but it was all for the best. Now I think I can do it. I hope you’re proud, ‘Tsumu. You’ve been the only person who’s dumbass appreciation I cared about. I still care about it. I hope you’re proud that I can let myself be alone, as much as you probably hate that it seems like I’m forgetting you.  _

_ I wouldn’t ever forget you. _

_ Fuck, it hurts, ‘Tsumu _

_ God, do you see that? A fucking tear stain on my nice and neat letter.  _

_ You were the best person in my life, and you were truly better than me, ‘Tsumu. The next time I see you, I’ll tell you properly. For now, all I can give you is this dumb letter with my dumb messy feelings.  _

_ For now, I can only write it… and I will write it.  _

_ I love you, Atsumu. I always will, and I always have. I don’t know if I’d ever said that out loud to you, and I regret that so so much. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you. I’m sorry you never knew that. I know you loved me, even if you never said it. I love you. _

_ I can’t really write any more. My hand hurts and I can barely see the paper in front of me. So I guess I have to go now. I’m not saying goodbye, that’s even harder. I won’t ever say goodbye. I love you.  _

_ I know I’ll see you again, please wait for me. _

_ ~’Samu _

I let the pen fall from my hand. I was being loud as fuck, but I didn’t have time to care who heard me. All I could focus on was the way my heart felt like it was being pulled apart artery by artery, and the way I could barely breathe. I wanted it all to stop, but it felt so good to release it all. It felt good to finally yell and embrace the pain. So I let it consume me. I let my chest hurt and I let my lungs and throat fight for air, and I let my head pound. I was thinking of nothing and everything, a movie of sorts flashing behind my eyelids of everything I could ever remember about him. 

I didn’t even hear the door open behind me, nor the hastened footsteps coming up behind me. I didn’t register for a long time the slender arms that wrapped around my waist, but when I did. I was grateful for them. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to be held. To be told it would all be okay. To know I wasn’t as alone as I felt. 

“I’m here, Osamu.” 

I let my head roll back onto the man’s shoulder, turning my head so my nose was buried in his neck. There were still hot tears streaming down my face, and the pain still seared through my heart and lungs, but the bounding in my head had subsided, and the showing behind my eyelids had concluded, leaving only darkness. 

I allowed the man to pick me up gently and carry me the few feet to my bed. Though he tried to walk away, I kept my fingers wrapped around the rough fabric of his t-shirt.

“Stay, Sunarin.” I managed spitting out two raspy words despite the rawness in my throat. I couldn’t be left alone. Not ever again.

“Of course, Miya. Anything for you.” 

Though there was no way I could smile up at Suna Rintarou, I knew he could tell I was grateful. I would allow my face to flush and stomach to flutter at his words another time, for now, I simply tugged his arm to the bed and made room for him to climb on next to me. He wrapped his arms around me again, and I accepted the way my face dove into his chest, as well as the way my hands clung to any appropriate place they could grab.

I don’t know when I fell asleep, if I ever truly did. All I really remember after that was the new thought that began to occupy my mind. A thought that dried up the tears for the moment. A thought that spread warmth into my fingers and toes. A thought that I hadn’t realized had already taken root in my soul and began to mend its broken pieces.

_ “I will love you properly.” _

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is the first thing I've ever published on Ao3, so I really hope you enjoyed it and that everything made sense. It already means so much to me that you've stayed until the end, and I wanted to say that I adore comments and feedback on my work! Haikyuu is my favorite anime, full stop. Because of this, I've written a lot of short fan works that I'm not completely confident on posting. This piece, however, is one I wanted to share because a lot of fans only depict the Miya's relationship as brothers as somewhat toxic, where all they do is throw insults at each other and constantly say "I hate you." I wanted to personify Osamu beyond his rocky relationship with Atsumu and his fan-curated relationship with Suna (though I couldn't resist the beautiful OsaSuna opportunity.)  
> All in all, I'm really happy to be sharing this with anyone who's willing to read it, and I'm sorry if I caused any pain... even though pain was the entire point of this mini-story.  
> I hope to write again for you guys soon!  
> -Author-chan (G.L.)


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